What is "Good Girl Conditioning"?
If you want to start healing from your own “Good Girl Conditioning,” watch my “Stop Being a Good Girl” feminine embodiment training now. Subscribe to my YouTube channel for more on Feminine Wholeness®, Embodiment and Leadership.
Why do we all feel the need to be a “Good Girl”!?
We’re all suffocating under societal expectations and stereotypes.
Many of my clients find themselves struggling to get free from what is known as the "Good Girl Conditioning" or the "Good Girl Syndrome."
This phenomenon is deeply rooted in cultural norms and has been the subject of much discussion and debate. In this short blog post, we'll explore what the Good Girl Conditioning is, its impact, and how to break free from its constraints.
What does the term "Good Girl Conditioning" refer to?
The "Good Girl Conditioning" refers to the societal expectations and pressures placed on women to conform to certain standards of behavior and character. These expectations often revolve around traditional gender roles, where women are expected to be polite, submissive, nurturing, and compliant. Women who embody these traits are often praised as "good girls."
These expectations can manifest in various ways, such as being taught to prioritize others' needs over their own, suppress their emotions, avoid conflict, and strive for perfection in both personal and professional settings. The "Good Girl" is often seen as modest, selfless, and well-mannered, but these ideals can be stifling and limiting for women.
The Impact of the Good Girl Conditioning
The Good Girl Syndrome can have a significant impact on women's lives and well-being. Here are a few ways it manifests:
People-Pleasing: Women conditioned to be "good girls" may often put others' needs ahead of their own, neglecting their own desires and well-being.
Suppression of Emotions: This conditioning can lead to the suppression of genuine emotions, as women may feel compelled to appear calm and collected at all times, even when they're facing difficulties.
Perfectionism: Striving for perfection can be exhausting and lead to stress and burnout, as "good girls" often feel the need to excel in all aspects of life.
Limited Career Opportunities: In the professional world, women may struggle to assert themselves and advocate for their own advancement, leading to limited career opportunities.
Breaking Free from the Good Girl Conditioning
Breaking free from the Good Girl Conditioning is a vital step towards personal growth and empowerment. Here are some ways to challenge these societal expectations:
Self-awareness: Recognize the conditioning and its impact on your life. Understanding the root of these expectations is the first step towards change.
Assertiveness: Learn to express your thoughts, emotions, and desires confidently and assertively without fear of judgment or backlash.
Set Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries in personal and professional relationships to ensure your well-being is a priority.
Embrace Imperfection: Embrace the idea that nobody is perfect, and it's okay to make mistakes. Perfection is an unrealistic standard.
Seek Support: Helping women get free from "Good Girl Conditioning” is one of my superpowers! If you’d like to explore 1:1 work together, you can learn more about my approach here and book a free clarity call with me here.
Women Don’t Need to Be “Good Girls” How to Free Yourself from Good Girl Conditioning
Transcript[00:00:00] Welcome to day two, freeing yourself from good girl conditioning and expanding how rich your life can be. I love today's training so much.
Some of my clients have heard versions of this teaching over a dozen times, and they tell me it's one they can never get enough of. So I'm so excited to share it with you because once you see what I'm going to share with you today, you'll never be able to unsee it.
I'm going to give you a language for something you know already [00:00:30] somewhere deep inside. It's going to feel more like a remembering than a new learning. And it's this type of remembering that can set you free from a whole bunch of shame.
Yesterday you learned that a woman's hidden superpower is her pleasure and her deepest, fullest, most organic, organic and orgasmic pleasure is her.
You also got a glimpse of the map that guides a woman back home to herself, but it's not enough to have a map of [00:01:00] unconscious conditioning is still running the show still at the wheel. And that's why we need to address one of the most formidable forces. I see holding women back even after they know.
What their issues are and have a map, some kind of map to their freedom, they're still stuck in the same old cycle. So in today's freedom, I'm going to unpack for you what exactly this unconscious force is and how you can get free from it so you can finally feel worthy of all the pleasure [00:01:30] of all the money of receiving more good things in your life than you ever thought possible.
I'm so excited for you to exponentially expand how rich your life can be.
So let's begin. The most formidable unconscious force, robbing women from their wholeness, vitality, fullness. and pleasure. You know, she's at play when you freeze all of a sudden, when someone asks you an uncomfortable question, you feel like a deer in headlights [00:02:00] ever felt that way. When's the last time you felt that way this morning, last week, yesterday, you know, this formidable unconscious forces at play.
When you betray yourself, like the yes comes out of your mouth, even though you really mean, no, you betray your own boundaries, almost like. You're addicted to it. And you know, she's at play when you under charge for your services, because you feel guilty around money and awkward around asking for what you really want.
Or what you need. [00:02:30] And you know, she's that play when you find yourself apologizing for things that just aren't your fault. Like I've ever been standing in line at the grocery store and someone bumps into you and all of a sudden you say, I'm sorry, I've definitely been that girl more than once. So that formidable unconscious force that has most women in a trance of some kind separated from their power, separated from their pleasure is good girl conditioning.
What is good girl conditioning? Well, it's the [00:03:00] mandate to be pleasing, to be obedient, to be modest, to be demure, to be conforming, to be sweet, to be docile, to be pretty, to be perfect, to be nice, to not be dominant. Definitely don't have your own opinion. Do not rock the boat. Do not draw attention to yourself.
Do not brag. Definitely don't be too smart, too clever, too funny, or too sexy, and do not delight in your own pleasure. [00:03:30] Good girl conditioning shows up as the people pleaser. Yeah. That part of us that needs to be pleasing at all costs. The part of us that says yes to invitations, to favors, to jobs, to anything, when we really mean no, the good girl shows up as the perfectionist.
The part of us that equates wholeness to perfection, and we aren't. Whole into we're perfect and we aren't lovable unless we're [00:04:00] perfect. This is the part of us that lives in our head and is constantly judging ourselves and others. It's the part of us that has an unreasonable expectation to be perfect.
And thinks that she needs to be excellent at something the first time. And she gets really, really angry at herself if she doesn't meet all those impossible standards. Good Girl Conditioning also shows up as a performer. She's the queen of the to [00:04:30] do list. She's the high achiever. She gets shit done. She is so productive.
And she needs attention to feel validated. And she will run herself ragged doing all kinds of song and dance, running circles around her own to do list, and consciously seeking that gold star from the world. So all these parts of us keep us from our pleasure. And all these parts of us are part of the good girl complex and good girls, they [00:05:00] actually aren't good.
They're actually liars and they just betray themselves, ignoring their own truth, being flat out dishonest to get approval and to be safe. But we don't have to be mad or shame ourselves for good girl conditioning. The truth is good girl conditioning may have been a very necessary part of our survival as kids.
Definitely part of our belonging as [00:05:30] children.
Now you are a full grown woman. Now you can do something about it. You're probably recognizing on some level that the old ways aren't working for you anymore. Playing the part of the good girl is not. Working for you anymore and you want to get your power back yesterday.
You learned power is connected to pleasure. And now, you know, a good girl. She has no power because she is living for everyone else's pleasure, but her own. [00:06:00] Her MO is actually to give her pleasure and her power away. And you might have found yourself in this training because you've been the good girl your whole life.
You've done everything right, and you still aren't happy. You thought that having the man, having the house, having the kids, having the high powered career or the car, you thought they'd make you happy.
Society told you they would make you happy. And then, they didn't. And this is why you wake up in the middle of the night.
This is that nagging [00:06:30] dissatisfaction with your life. And you live each day quietly, unfulfilled. Exhausted by the mandate of the good girl, and you wonder, is it me? Am I broken? Is everyone rolling their eyes at me? Your husband may ask you, why can't you just be happy? And your boss may think you're being ungrateful.
And your family may think you're being entitled for wanting more out of life. Maybe your therapist even [00:07:00] looks at you with a question mark. And you feel like you've been handed a big life sentence for dissatisfaction. And you aren't exactly sure what your problem is. But what if it was never about the house?
What if it was never about the money or the career or even the family or the man? What if the next stage of the journey is finding out who you really are by getting curious, [00:07:30] very curious about the conditioning you've received around being a woman.
So you ask, who am I really? And I want you to ask yourself that, and this will lead to your homework later today.
When I was describing the good girl what did you identify with the most? Which one of her traits, the perfectionist, the people pleaser, the performer, did you identify with the most? Jot it down. [00:08:00] And then this question, when you were acting like the good girl, what part of yourself were you portraying? You can pause this video and think about that and just listen for whatever comes up.
One thing is for sure, you are more than just a good girl and I want you to meet a part of you that has been scorned, slandered, blamed, demonized, [00:08:30] dismissed, and misunderstood for far too long. I want you to meet the energy that brings you back into your wholeness by riding the scales that the good girl has tipped.
I want you to meet what I call the secret agent of your soul. Meet your inner bad girl. Everything we have gained has been hard won by a woman who is willing to be bad in the best sense of the word. Those are Anne Shen's words from Bad Girls Throughout History, a book that I bought for my daughter and I [00:09:00] highly recommend.
Bad girls throughout history like Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, and of course Mae West, who said, When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
I love her and her energy. And you probably have some judgments about the bad girl, so let me just clear some things up. A bad girl is not a woman who seduces men because she is thirsty for attention.
A bad girl is not a woman who throws other women under the bus just to get ahead in her [00:09:30] career. A bad girl is not a woman who is cruel to men or uses cruelty of any kind to feel powerful. Remember, your real bad girl is actually in service to your soul. And I find that a little bit of bad girl energy goes a long way to balancing the scales so we can arrive at our wholeness.
That the real game isn't an either or game. It's not about being all good or all bad, it's about being whole. So let's look at some examples of good girl [00:10:00] conditioning and bad girl energy and how it brings us that bad girl energy closer to our wholeness and definitely closer to our pleasure and our power.
So the good girl, good girls suppress emotions. They don't allow themselves to feel any untidy feelings. Bad girls, however, feel it all and use even the negative or heavy emotions as fuel for healing. Good girls use gratitude practices to settle for what life has given them, and [00:10:30] bad girls use gratitude to dream even bigger.
I'm going to continue, I'm going to list these things out, so just take note what's really resonating with you. Good girls say, no thanks, I'm fine, when something awesome is being offered them.
Bad girls say, yes, more please. Good girls think she has to figure it out all on her own. And bad girls look for those who already have done what they want and who can help them.[00:11:00]
Good girls worry what other people think of them. Bad girls determine their own self image. Training number four happening, talking all about that self image. Good girls focus on playing it safe and bad girls focus it on opportunity. Good girls wait for permission and validation. Bad girls give it to themselves.
Good girls ask, am I worthy of this? Bad girls ask, do I desire this? Good girls feel [00:11:30] guilty spending money on themselves. Bad girls know there is no better investment. Good girls wait to be chosen or rescued. Bad girls bet on themselves and align with people who can help them get where they want to go.
Good girls believe wanting to have it all is selfish. Bad girls know it's their birthright. And I have several tools in my toolbox that I use to help my clients tap into this bad girl energy. And my 12 week program covers them all. But for today, I want you just to [00:12:00] allow the possibility that your bad girl is one of your greatest allies.
A real secret agent to your wholeness. And you want to practice, you want to practice, you want to practice connecting to your inner bad girl. I have a fun practice for you and it's as easy as asking a different kind of question. So notice the kinds of questions you're in good girl asks, especially when she's in that perfectionist mode and her inner critic is [00:12:30] on high.
So good girls ask. Why am I so stupid? Why am I so ugly? Why am I so bad with money? Why am I so bad at my job?
And bad girls flip it around. And they ask in a very playful and fun and bodacious way, why am I so smart? Why am I so hot? Why am I so rich? So the practice goes like this. Whatever you fear you're not enough of, or you don't have enough [00:13:00] of, maybe you fear you don't have enough money.
Maybe you fear you aren't beautiful enough. Maybe you fear you aren't smart enough. I want you to write it down. And then put it into this format. Why am I so just play with it? Just like you play with the practice by looking in the mirror and saying, this is what homeless looks like. You can look in the mirror and ask this question of yourself and see what it evokes in your body.
I'm curious. What do you feel? [00:13:30] Do you feel any bubbly feelings? Do you feel a little laughter? Do you feel a little naughty? Do you feel a little more spaciousness? Do you feel an expansion around it? If you do, just notice that and take note of it. It's valuable. Why am I so rich? Why am I so good at my job?
Why am I so hot? Why am I so funny? Just practice it. Okay. Now I want to tell you a story and I need your full attention. This is my story. One of the stories. I have [00:14:00] lots of them. This is the one I want to share with you today around freeing myself from my good girl running the show. So. Like most of you, most of my life, I never identified with anger.
I was the good girl. Early on I learned to turn my anger inward, and that became depression. And that's why I just started on and ended up in prison by the time I was 15. But I was the perfect good girl. I didn't get mad, instead I got very self critical. [00:14:30] I suppressed my anger to be polite, to be liked, to be safe.
And I did this with boys in high school, I did this with my own family. And thankfully through this work of feminine wholeness, I have been able to reclaim my full range of emotion, including healthy anger. And that healthy anger is actually what activated my bad girl energy within me and reconnected me to this very important part, very powerful part of who I am because [00:15:00] of good girl conditioning.
I stayed stuck in my business for so long and I was just pinned under what felt like an impenetrable. Glass ceiling. I was not earning what I really wanted to earn. In fact, I was earning peanuts, even though I was working so hard and creating a lot of transformation in my client's life. But I was terrified of charging what I really wanted to charge and knowing my worth.
Ironically, he was one of my clients who came to me to connect to her femininity [00:15:30] and, and feel more of that receivership energy. She was a business coach and she taught me some things. She explained to me that when businesses need to scale, they take on risk, often debt. Why hadn't I allowed myself to take on that kind of risk?
And this is what really made me mad and woke me up. It was learning that business entities that have no soul are celebrated for taking on this risk, for going into debt. Why didn't [00:16:00] I allow myself to do the same thing? Why did I feel so ashamed about leveraging my credit to get ahead? So I decided right then and there to stop playing by the rules.
Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying to have it all figured out. I decided to bet on my future and I hired a coach. Yes, I leveraged my credit and there was a huge payoff. My business went from 70k to 370k in one year. But really the [00:16:30] bigger payoff for me was feeling like a badass because the good girl was no longer holding me back from my potential.
My inner bad girl was my new BFF, and she helped me break through my personal glass ceiling.
This is what I want for you. Bad girls have the power to liberate us from good girl conditioning. Bad girls, that energy infuses us with fresh energy to experience our own pleasure. And like, you know, from yesterday's training, it's from our pleasure that we get [00:17:00] access to our wholeness.
And our wholeness is our power and ultimately, power is freedom.
So in today's training, you learned how to identify the good girl and the way she shows up. You also got to learn some things about the inner bad girl and the attitude she brings to life to set you free. Remember, your bad girl is truly in service to your wholeness, in service to your soul.
And tomorrow we're going to borrow more of this fun, playful bad girl energy and head [00:17:30] down to the honeypot.
Tomorrow's training is about regaining trust and intimacy with your body to turn up heat in the bedroom, boardroom and beyond. So your homework today, don't skip this. I want you to think about, to pay attention to how the good girl has been showing up in your life.
Where do you recognize good girl conditioning at play? How does she show up for you? Share in the comments below and we'll see you back here