The Critical Mother’s Voice In Your Head

Here is a question I get a lot: “I’m in my thirties and I still hear my mother’s voice when I try on clothes. I want to desire sex more with my husband and feel freer in my body, but I’ve never thought of myself as a sensual or sexy woman. As soon as I try, I feel shut-down. What do I do?” I love this question because I think it’s something we all struggle with…

The question is really: how do I live in the present (and honor the desires I have at this stage of my life) instead of feeling trapped in the past (and controlled by the messages I received growing up). This absolute relates to the dynamics we have in the bedroom and far beyond.

The first step is to recognize that all of us have voices in our head.

We have our inner critic (the taskmaster and demander of perfection), our inner child (the needy, terrified, and neglected one) our inner victim (the one in the corner with “poor me” written all over her body language), just to list a few.

Some of us also have some variation of the inner church lady…the one who makes sure we are dressed “appropriately” at all times. Her strict version of “modesty” and “purity” totally cringes at our playful, seductive, and erotic nature.

The way we get free is not by battling or exorcising these aspects of who we are, but by learning how to accept and integrate them into our consciousness.

This doesn’t mean we let them boss us around. But it does mean we slow down enough to listen to what’s underneath the words they are saying. We do this by drawing near to these shadow parts of ourselves with compassion and curiosity.

One of the things I guide my clients to reflect on is just to notice who is showing up.  Who is showing up right now that is convincing me it’s not okay to dress how I want? Who is showing up right now that is convincing me it’s not safe to have sex with the lights on because my body isn’t “perfect”? When we notice who is showing up (oh! That’s my inner church lady! or That’s my inner critic!) it’s way easier to respond instead of reacting to the trigger... We can choose to respond in love, to slow down and acknowledge the voice inside without letting it take over.

If we do this often enough, combining this practice with intentional, embodied work around healing the limiting beliefs we carry, the voices of shame, shut-down and condemnation will stop being so loud and we'll be able to wear whatever the heck we want. ;) If you want help working on this inner dialogue, download the No More Shame audios from my website (link in profile). They're specifically designed to help empower the voice within you that knows sex and your female body isn't dirty or bad and it's okay to trust your Sophia in the bedroom.