Embracing Wholeness: A Healing Journey from Body Anxiety to Self-Acceptance

At the sweet age of 19, I found myself traveling in Hanoi with someone I deeply cared for. In a humble room with a simple paper sign, we embarked on a journey that would forever change my perception of myself. It was during one stormy night, overcome by a panic attack, that I confronted a deep-seated fear within me. The sight of my naked body in the mirror triggered an overwhelming sense of terror and disconnection. In that moment, I realized I had been living divided, detached from the very vessel that housed my essence. This personal experience sparked a transformative path of self-discovery, leading me to reclaim my body, my bliss, and ultimately find solace in the unity of my being. Today, I am passionate about guiding others on their own journey of self-acceptance and helping them unlock the sacred connection between their spiritual and sensual selves. Join me as we explore the path to wholeness and discover your own promised land of spiritual milk and sexual honey, where you belong to yourself in every aspect of your being.

I was 19.

Traveling with a boy I loved.

We were in a room in Hanoi.

It wasn't a hotel. It wasn't a motel.

It was a room with a piece of paper taped to the door.

We were in 4a3. Next door was room 1008. Next door to them was room S14. There was no rhyme or reason to it, but it only costs $7/night and we were 19 in Vietnam.

I'm not sure what brought on the panic attack. It wasn't the chaos or overwhelm of travel-- I lived for that. But undressing that night panic washed over me like a tsunami, drowning me in the unresolved madness within. Something about my naked body terrified me. I didn't know who she was. She didn't feel like mine. I felt trapped, like someone had locked me in my own prison of flesh. I stared and stared and stared in the mirror searching for myself. I resented my breasts as gratuitous objects for the opposite sex. I hated the soft curves of my belly and ass. They betrayed me- everywhere I went they went too, revealing my vulnerability as a woman.

Without a mirror to remind me of my body, I could pretend I was just eyes and a brain, looking out into the world from a safe look out tower... Below me were lands I refused to belong to, though I let many others trace and stake claims on the territory of my feminine body.

I had begun meditating that year and in that practice found a refuge place from the pain of sexual trauma. I identified more and more with my intellect and spirit and less and less with my emotions and primal desires. Believing freedom and bliss were found somewhere else, I disowned the only vehicle truly capable of taking me there.

The splitting and fracturing of body from soul broke me.

A woman can't live divided against herself forever. The panic attack was a wake up call. I didn’t heal over night or even in a year, but I began a slow and steady journey home to myself.

Now I know: This is my body. This is my bliss. Right here with me, present in the woman of me.

This is why it means so much to share with you how to find your own promise land of spiritual milk and sexual honey.

To be whole is to come home to your body, to belong to yourself.