Tantra, Sex, Masturbation: Oh My!

The questions I receive about sex range from:

is it okay if I’m a Christian?

is there any room for it in marriage?

What if I’m single?

What if I’m married?

Can I do it?

Should my husband (not) be doing it?

What are healthy boundaries for it?

First, let’s get clear on what we are talking about…

The act of masturbation is not the same across the board. Just like anything else, it depends on the INTENTION you are bringing to it. Because sexuality is so shamed in our culture, masturbation is one of those things people tend to do in the dark (i.e. without a lot of consciousness) because we associate it with being dirty and not sacred.

In Tantric philosophy, however, EVERYTHING BELONGS, and can therefore be used for liberation and wholeness when we bring Light to it. Light is Love. Light is presence. Light shows up via mindfulness/awareness/compassionate attention.

With Light…. The way you eat can be a spiritual practice.

The way you shop or care for others can be a spiritual practice.

The way you make love (to yourself) can also be a spiritual practice.

It’s very simple:

Am I running away or running towards Light?

Am I doing this thing to escape my reality or to come home to the deepest reality?

No matter what we do (be it drink wine, or run on the treadmill, or go to church) we can do these things to avoid feeling the truth inside our bodies, or we can do these things to draw nearer and integrate that truth.

This is a radical shift in perspective from rule-based thinking. It means we can drop religiosity and follow the Law of Love. Masturbation can be done in love. Or it can be done in harm. Our sexual energy is power like money is power— on its own it’s neither good nor bad, it’s how we use it that determines its quality in our life.

Even though I think labels are unnecessary, you could call me a “Christian Tantrika.”

This means I see love (erotic love included) in service of spiritual transformation and spiritual transformation in service of love.

So to answer the questions from a Tantric Christian perspective:

Yes, it’s okay to make love to yourself (single or married!).

Yes, it’s okay for your husband to make love to himself. Have a conversation. Tell him your fears around it if you have them.

Talk about this new perspective about bringing mindfulness and Light and Love to this act.

This doesn’t mean masturbating with scripture running through your head or while listening to Christian music, ha! We bring the most Light not by adding layers of religion to something, but by being truly naked, vulnerable, real, and raw.

Honest surrender always leads to a sacred encounter.

I know this may be awkward at first, because of how separated erotic energy and spiritual energy have become in our culture, but it wasn’t always this way.

And wholeness is integrating them back together.