Core Desire #3: The Pleasure Secret
"Beauty will Save the World”
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Welcome back to the DESIRE IS LIFE//LIFE IS DESIRE Mini-Series. We've made it to our last teaching in our 5-part series on the ancient tantric path to wholeness via the 4-Core Desires.
Here's a quick recap…
The Feminine Path of Desire (Series Cliff-Notes)
1. A woman cannot be truly happy or fulfilled unless she is aligned with her 4-Core desires.
2. A woman cannot fulfill her desires until she awakens and build her shakti. (Email #1)
3. Your dharma is unlocked in learning to trust what lights you up. (Email #2)
4. Artha is the desire for all the means necessary to fulfill your purpose. (Email #3)
Core Desire #3: Kama
Once we discover our purpose (dharma) and begin going after the means (artha) to fulfill our purpose, if we are attuned to our wholeness we realize we actually want and need more than just progress towards the goal.
We want joy in the process. We desire to feel good along the way.
While the productivity-focused part of us gets off on all the headway we are making, another part of us longs for us to slow down and add some play into our day.
I have a very strong part of me that is turned on by To-Do Lists and the ritual of crossing items off that list. This part of me is so strong, it can easily take over and run the show, unless I make sure my Soulful Seductress is in the role of CEO.
What many of us high-functioning women have in common is a childhood experience that went something like this:
As little girls the most vital, playful, joy-filled and creative aspects of our being weren't acknowledged or encouraged.
Instead we got praise for our good behavior, our grades. We were validated for what we accomplished, the awards we won, and the things we did.
Unconsciously, we started to identify and value our doing instead of our being.
Without releasing what we were doing, we subtly started to dismiss our downplay our feminine essence, focusing more and more on what we could do to earn love and belonging.
When we got to the age of wanting to attract a male partner (if that was our inclination and desire) we never imagined we could be appreciated or seen for our beingness so we performed our femininity as well.
We learned how to do a version of femininity that fit a social norm instead of enjoying our femininity and discovering what made our feminine essence unique.
Because again, we never imagined we could be appreciated or seen for our beingness, only our doingness.
I've spent the majority of the last 10 years both personally and professionally healing this programming in myself and with my clients.
The tantric practice of Kama, has been a tool I return to again and again.
WHAT IS KAMA?
Kama is the desire to live life beautifully, romantically, sensually. Kama means pleasure, as in the kama sutra, the pleasure-teachings.
The Kama Sutra is an ancient tantric text known for it's instructions on 64 sexual positions. However, the book is about way more than sex, as is kama.
In truth, kama encompasses our desire for pleasure in all forms. Sex, intimacy, friendship, art, beauty, and family. Kama is about living a sensual, pleasure-filled life.
So many women struggle with experiencing pleasure. Value in our culture is placed on productivity which celebrates getting things done over making life beautiful.
But like many a burnout breadwinning mom has shared with me, the “success” that comes from living in the head, disconnected from femininity and pleasure in the body, is not worth it.
If we want true happiness and fulfillment, we cannot wait until we achieve our life's purpose or obtain financial security…
We need to find our way back to valuing pleasure, sex, sensuality, beauty, romance, intimacy, art, friendship. And we can.
PRACTICAL & PRAGMATIC TIPS TO HONOR KAMA
(From my life to yours)
1. Fall Asleep to Ocean Waves & Wake-Up with Bird Sounds: My husband and I have lived in the city for over 10 years. There is always a big building being built and the sound of the freeway is always present. Years ago I learned about how nature sounds can function as both a nervous system regulator and a light aphrodisiac. We love listening to crickets and ocean sounds to fall asleep and bird songs when we awake. Spotify has many nature sounds playlist. We use the myNoise app for ocean waves and more.
2. Light Candles: In my studies of the Gene Keys with Richard Rudd I learned about the concept of “soul light." The quality of light where the soul is most apt to show herself. This includes sunrise, sunset, starlight, and candlelight. Making love in candlelight (or any soul light, really) tends to be a much more Kama-filled experience than making love with the lights on or in total darkness.
3. Romanticize Your Life: More than 16 years ago when I became a new mom, without a husband or a home of my own, I decided to redefine “romance" for myself. Instead of walks on the beach or picnic dinners with a partner, romance to me meant anything I did in the name of love. Bringing a quality of love to doing the dishes (for example) meant making it pleasurable for myself, and having an attitude of pleasure instead of dread. Try adopting my definition of romance this week and feel what shifts.
4. Prioritize Pleasure: If you find pleasure difficult (whether that means feeling it in your body or prioritizing it in your life) you aren't alone. I can't recommend these practices enough. These are the practices that taught me and my students how to raise the pleasure set-point in our bodies so joy and ease during sex and intimacy could be the new norm.
In honor of Kama this week, the Body of Bliss Bundle is only $110 (normally $499). Snag it here now.
5. Anoint & Adorn Yourself: After the shower, anoint your whole body with oil and do a breast massage or tender touch practice. When you get ready for the day, instead of quickly swathing on mascara or slapping on lipstick as your rush out the door, wake up a tad earlier to give more time and space for yourself to enjoy the process of adorning yourself as a woman. Transform the simple act of putting on make up or doing your hair from a rushed (and possibly resentful?) performance of femininity, into a personal ritual honoring your own feminine essence and beauty.
MORE RESOURCES
If you struggle to feel comfortable in your sensuality and sexuality as a woman, watch my new YouTube video on How to Heal Feminine Wounds. Healing isn't just possible, it's your destiny!
Pick up a modern translation of the classic tantric text, Kama Sutra.
Raise Your Pleasure Set-Point Experience greater wholeness and pleasure in your body with12 innovative embodiment practices and meditations made for women.
Next week our 5-part series comes to a close with the last and ultimate of our 4-core desires. The desire for freedom.
Let us not move on too quickly, though. Kama invites us to linger a little longer in the practice of delighting in our senses.
If pleasure is something you want more of, consider making simple, sensual embodiment practices (like the ones in the Body of Bliss) part of your life, until they become second nature.
If living in your head is keeping you from your natural kama and femininity, it's up to you to honor your soul by raising your pleasure set point.
A life full of kama is a very, very, beautiful life.