I’m gonna share with you a verbatim conversation I had with my husband last week that lead to the man I’ve been married to for ten years exclaiming,

“That was the best sex we’ve had in a long time!”

It involves a grilled cheese sandwich. I will explain.

First, it’s important you know:

There is so much up-leveling happening here in the Cecil household and so much quarantine realness, too.

Like I shared in detail in last week’s newsletter, we’ve had meltdowns and moments with our kids where we felt like real train wrecks.

And (in the midst of all that and the fear of running out of toilet paper):

Last month was a HUGE breakthrough month in my business. I’ve booked over 6 figures already this year and it’s felt completely different than in the past.

I'm sharing this with you because you need to know it's okay to thrive and do things UNpatriarchacal (I just made up that word).

After a record month in my business, I didn’t feel like an imposter or like I needed to continue hustling and/or proving my worthiness. I don’t feel dirty or guilty or even exhausted.

What I do feel is GRATEFUL, ENERGIZED, and ALIGNED with my true self. I feel excited to embody even more of my soul in the days/decades to come and to help other women do the same.

I'm also feeling open for more miracles.

How good can it get?!

I want to know! And so does Mr. Cecil...

My husband and I are doing some major up-leveling and reprogramming together.

This includes our romantic dynamic, which is where the sexy grilled cheese sandwich story comes in.

So here go:

It was a date night, Quarantine style. Meaning it was 7pm, we set our kids up with a movie at the far other end of the apartment and we locked ourselves in our bedroom and told our kids not to bother us.

Once alone he said: I have a deep, dark desire and I’m afraid to tell you what it is.

I paused, feeling the old fear and annoyance. Where is this going?

Let me insert a little backstory:

It had been a few weeks since we had sex (quarantine vibes aren’t exactly sexy vibes, you know?) so I knew our “date night” held high hopes for the hubs.

I was actually needing another kind of connection and not feeling any desire for sexual intercourse, so earlier that day on a walk with our dog, I told him: LOOKING FORWARD TO ALONE TIME WITH YOU, BUDDY, BUT HEADS UP, I DON’T WANT SEX TONIGHT. Then I gave him a pat on the back, bro style.

We’ve wracked up years of sexual healing work together (that’s what our course the Romance & Adventure Sutras was about!) and so I feel safe and guilt-free voicing my true needs and desires. (Hallelujah!)

My sweet husband is learning to own his true desires too, which is why it was a big deal for him to voice what he voiced next:

I have a deep, dark desire and I’m afraid to tell you what it is.

Old Me would have pounced in rage and attacked. How dare you have desire! I already told you NO! We are NOT going there tonight.

Old-Old Me would have flown away from my body, while giving my body away in presence-less/pleasure-less sex.

Present Me is chill and embodied. She knows how to hold space for herself, her husband and their differing desires. She knows how to allow different truths to coexist and create magic with whatever is.

Yes, Present Me is a priestess. (More on her becoming in the post script).

Thankfully, Present Me was well, PRESENT that date night.

So...back to the story.

I noticed the radio station in my mind glitching between the low-AM station of Victim Consciousness and 108 Priestess AF, I mean FM.

Choosing to Embody the Priestess, I leaned in.

Me: You have a deep, dark desire and you are afraid to tell me?

Him: Yes.

He hid his head under the pillow in shame.

I got curious and playful.

Me: Do you feel like a bad boy?

Him: Yes.

Me: Like a really bad boy?

Him: Yes.

He let out an uncomfortable laugh under the pillow.

Me: I can handle it. Tell me your desires, bad boy.

Him: I WANT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH!

He shouted it with real relief in his voice. There it was: His deepest, darkest, guiltiest desire. A hot and greasy, grilled cheese sandwich.

It wasn’t my body. It wasn’t my sex. I could explore desire with him without feeling like I was betraying or compromising myself. Fun!

Me: Oooh, you want a grilled cheese sandwich, do you? Do you want it now?

Him: Yes, I want it now.

Me: If you were a really bad boy you’d face-time the kids in the other room and make them make it for you while we just lounged here and relaxed. Ha!

Him: No, I want YOU to make it for me.

One sentence backstory to give context: Cooking (even grilled cheese) is not my THING. Especially cooking FOR A MAN. (I’m an egalitarian gal, a natural feminist at heart).

I noticed an erotic energy building and I let it.

Me: You want me to make it for you, do you? Yeah, that’s a really bad boy desire! You know I’m not that kind of girl. But I’ll allow it….under one condition…

Now, I was really playing and sensing something powerful about to unfold. I chose to activate my inner Sacred Prostitute, a divine feminine energy of deep healing for men. This is where the real priestessing would begin...in creating the space and the dynamic for my husband to feel the SAFETY and GOODNESS of his authentic desires, to voice out loud what he wanted, and to make risky requests of me.

Again, one little sentence backstory to give context: Abandoned by his father, raised by two mothers, totally against toxic masculinity in all of its forms, my husband fell into the role of “nice-guy” and co-dependent dynamics.

Me: You must tell me EXACTLY how you want it. I know nothing about grilled cheese sandwiches, but I want to learn. Teach me. I long to serve you.

(Consciously I began to sweetly and seductively shape-shift my feminine energy from DOMINANT to SUBMISSIVE. All by choice, mind you, in the spirit of playfulness and healing).

Him (consciously choosing to own his desire, receive my love through this act of service, and play with the energy of healthy DOMINANCE ): Okay, I’m gonna tell you very slowly how I want it. I want you to listen carefully. I’m going to teach you step by step how to make me the very best grilled cheese sandwich and you’ve got to pay attention.

Me (totally getting into the SUB roll now): I’m listening. I’m ready.

And then he began to describe for me exactly what he desired.

How hot he wanted the stove.The precise amount of butter he wanted sizzling in the pan and spread on the bread.The way he wanted each side of the sandwich cared for. (The top piece needed to go Into the toaster, while the bottom was sizzling).How much cheese he’d like, and in what order the operations needed to be performed.How the sandwich was to be delivered.

Every detail mattered, I knew. And expressing every detail of his desire to me mattered, too

The experience lasted 20 minutes. I kept asking questions and my questions created space for him to feel into, own, and voice more and more of exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it.

(So, how much butter do you really want? Tell me what is a lot. Would you like the sandwich to be kept whole, cut in two? Along the diagonal or straight across? Diagonal? Of course, yes!)

The dynamic was HOTTT and hilarious, and it made us both hungry.

When he was done with his full instructions (and boy were they thorough), I got up from our bed and entered the kitchen, excited to fully embody this novel role of the sacred prostitute disguised as the submissive wife.

I made my husband the midnight grilled cheese of his dreams, honoring every detail of his desire by paying exquisite attention to my body and senses in the process.

I listened for when the sizzling stopped and it was time to flip sides. I felt it in my body when the bread desired the cheese. I rubbed garlic on the crust.

When all was said and done, he was satisfied and so was I.

In his words,

“That was the best sex we’ve had in a long time!”

And I agreed.

We had sex by way of a grilled cheese sandwich. GO US!

So here is what this experience taught me about Desire:

It’s primal. It feels deep and dark and scary.When it comes to the surface it’s mixed with fear and guilt and the childhood sense of being a bad boy (or bad girl).It's rarely what we think and not nearly as alarming.

Here is what I learned about my marriage:

We’re both longing for a new kind of romantic dynamic (been married over 10 years, yo!)What we really want is a power dynamic that honors and provokes; that is as new and exciting as it is safe and devotedMy husband needs support and permission around owning his authentic desires, too. it’s not just me. Good men have been hurt by the patriarchy, too.

And this is what I learned about being a woman:

I am capable of being dominant and submissive, and wielding my feminine energy to heal myself and my man.I have great capacity within me to love and be lovedWhen I honor myself without guilt, I bring lightness and joy without conditions.My power is always found in my presence.

What I want to leave you (married or single):

Feel into your own authentic, deep, dark, greasy, drippy, grilled-cheese desires.Do not judge them!Explore what you want moment by moment. Not what you were taught to want, or think you should want, or wanted yesterday, but what you actually want NOW.If you are married, expressly (that means use your voice!) encourage your spouse to explore his/her authentic desires too. Voice your fears around all that too. (It's okay and super normal to feel a bit unsure, hesitant, AND excited!)Learn how to create the kind of bedroom environment where needs for safety and longings for acceptance can be met.Know you are a priestess! Sacred even when you don’t want sex. Powerful even when you make things silly.Invest in mastering and cultivating your feminine presence and your whole life will change (including sex!). Promise.

What I get to enjoy now in my experience of womanhood, sexuality and marriage I want for you, too. It’s WAY better than feeling guilt, shame, and obligation all the time.

Because of the inner work I’ve been doing, I know myself now as

“Queen of My Own Energy, High-Priestess of Sexy Playfulness, Mistress of Belongs to Myself, Sacred Prostitute in Service of Love”

I feel truly safe in the realm of DESIRE. Mine and his. From this embodied sense of safety I am free to create intimacy and connection without dismissing my needs or betraying any part of who I am.

That’s freedom.That’s power.That’s Sexy. Holy. Energy.

And take it from your big sis: This feminine wisdom and energy belongs to you just as much as it belongs to me.

Now you know more about my husband and I's wacky and wonderful sex life.

Anyone hungry for a grilled cheese?

Grace & Peace,

Morgan